step one.

since i survived a day without contacting my ex, i guess this blog deserves a moving on step. right?

yesterday was the first time to go out of the house with my colleagues at work. and it was real fun just being with them. we were rolling out in the floor laughing our heartaches out. hehehe and i just realized how lucky to have someone to have few select friends around them. i only maintain few of them so as not to be spreading myself thinly over a lot of people. besides it's also economical to have few set of friends.

on my first blogs entry, i posted resolutions. things that i want to do or that i need to do from this point forward. i guess the list is not yet done. so here it is.

1. learn how to drive (yup, im almost thrirty and i still dont know how to drive, spoiled!

2. finally go to violin school. of course buy one first.

3. enhance skills in classical guitar.

4. write an article in a local, widely read broadsheet before the end of the year. (you've been planning this since you were 22, stupid!)

5. fix, print photos taken and compile it in one hardbound book.

6. audition in one of the local plays/musical this year.

7. no boyfriends this year!

8. no boyfriends this year! (this is not a typo)

9. climb mount apo! (highest peak in the philippines)

10. achieve 150lbs weight till summer!

i thik that's enough for now. if something comes up, i'll refresh the list. justb eing realistic here. now it's time for me to go and face the bright day ahead of me. :) ciao!

from full monty to breakfast at tiffany's

after posting my entry yesterday, it felt good somehow. but once you are finished with something, the thought of the break-up comes rushing back in your mind again. so i hurriedly open my facebook and friendster (yup, old school) and tried to check on profiles of my friends' friends. but i easily get tired of it so iended up opening limewire (yup, sometimes im a pirate). sean cody and bel-ami are constant search keywords. i couldnt even let them finish downloading. i preview them whenever a large percentage of the files have been downloaded. and i did not mind the time at all. until a friend popped a message on facebook and we chatted till dinner time. i always love his presence even online coz he (cliche-ly) brings sunshine to my dark world. 

and we ended our chat by him saying: just savour the mourning right now and then MOVE ON! you shouldn't take forever to do that. you are a very beautiful person inside and out, a lot of gay guys and women as well are lining up just to hit on you much more have a meaningful romantic relationship with you; you are superbly great in bed and in conversations; you are a talented guy, quite getting famous now in the showbiz (i padded some of it but they are all true. lol, though i think tose words were too strong to describe me. hahaha or i am just having a very low self-esteem right now), so what are you waiting for??!!! 

I just said YES. I will. I guess this should be a mantra for people going through a very painful break-up.

so i cooked my dinner, ate it. yes, alone. (loser).

afterwards, i chanced to stare at my dvd collections. i havent really watched any of those. so i dusted it off and let my friend (who was still online at that time in facebook) choose what i will watch:

full monty, John Q, capote, ghandi, a walk in the clouds, breakfast at tiffany's, erin brokovich, cinema paradiso, a beautiful life, made of honor, justin timberlake concert, bridges of madison county, the client, jerry maguire and silence of the lambs.

a gay guy that i am, i chose full monty. lol. 

it was hilarious and i just love their accent. im quite keen to the australian or english accent or any european accent for that matter. but british tongue drives me really insane. :) hint hint! :) 

the group of friends in that was very desperate to find a job and earn money for their family. Desperate to the point of daring themselves to bare all. (if i could just  do that here. lol) i huess, they had me there since i am also desperate right now to move on. this break up thing is not doing me any good. ive been really sick. no one is taking care of me. i cant even have someone buy me meds or even run into the grocers and buy me stuff. that's one thing i miss in my previous relationship. and i should always remind myself that it's OVER, stupid! :)

ans of course they triumphed in the end with some hesitations before actually diving into the stripping. :) im hopeful that same thing will happen to me too(not the stripping of course). 

it was only 9pm and i feel like watching another movie. so, the gay guy that i am, i watched... tadan! breakfast at tiffany's. hahaha how gay.

first scene. i already fell in love with the movie. i did not have any idea that the song moonriver actually came from that movie. brilliant. it was the first movie of audrey hepburn that i watched. before, i would just wonder why a lot of women (and trannies too) like her to tears. now i know why. she was lovely, to say the least. but more lovely was george peppard (did i mentioned that i am gay). i love his eyes and the hair and the face and the body and the... no i dint find any nude photos of him in the net, silly.lol)

the movie for me was all about acceptance. for who you are and for what you have become. lulamae (holly golightly) was a very ambitious woman who dreams nothing but lavish lifestyle, comfort in life and of course jewels from the tiffany's.  but the power of love, in the end, has tamed her. well i guess, that's the most powerful gift that God has given us next to our lives. coz it transcends His own love for us in our connections with other people. and i guess, everyone would agree that if you lose a person, it doesn't mean that you also lose your capacity to love. as we grow wiser everyday, we increase our capacity to love more... freely.

actually, at around 11pm, i was sleepy already because of the jetlag which has been in for three days now (how lucky i am to come home from a long trip abroad and then dumped. ouch!). so i slept then awoke at around 130am from what i thought was a wet dream. i think grand canyon was inside my woody. so you know what happened in times likes this and you are alone. but it did not make me sleepy this time (what happened to the magic?) it was almost 3am. so i went down and finished the movie. hahaha.

after the movie, i hurried back to bed and conditioned myself to sleep. but right before i could doze off, i found myself crying again really hard... just allow me to mention the word "difficult" many times in this entry. i even tried calling my (okay this is thefirst time im saying this) "EX." to no avail.

i guess i really have to move on. but i need to have a decent sleep. any suggestions?

moving on.

i dont know where to start actually. i created this blog just for me to have a soundboard.

im brokenhearted. And days after that fateful day, i found myself just caving in and spending time to myself with tears dripping in my pillow whenever i think of him. its so devastating if your partner walked out of you when you let him choose whether he wanted to trust me or not. worse, that was days before my birthday. and a few (hours, minutes, days... i dunno) moments after he walked out of me, he met someone and voila, they're an item already.

im thinking, if he was that fast to find replacement, i must have not been worthy for him. pardon me for these rantings since im in a grieving process. and besides, this is my own blog space. (no, im not apologizing, see im not even concerned with correct punctuation etc.)

i felt like i was a puppy dumped somewhere else when he found a cat (a better pet for some people) along the way. (what?!?) as of writing, im chatting with my colleague and he is just so kind to listen to me. 

this morning when i woke up, i just found myself sipping coffee and google-ing "tips on how to move on after a break-up."  There were sensible tips but in times like this, you would say easier said than done. but in retrospect, if you would really commit yourself to moving on, in time, you'll get by. 

one tip - write whatver you are feeling. thus this blog. it helps, yes.

next, since i love music and movies, i listed downs suggestions of movies to watch and songs to listen to during a break up. makes sense. i have yet to rely on my (sometimes) reliable limewire. 

others were, adopt a pet, devote time to volunteering since it diverts attention and it makes one feel good at the end of the day; eat comfort foods (just for this phase and not making it a staple for your life); make an effort to look good - exercise (i did yoga yesterday and it feels good actually) change wardrobe, haircut hair color and the best thing yet - go out with friends.

there were a couple of ploys that i am doing also just to cope with this stress (change is the worst/best stress). i wanted him to text me from to time so it wouldnt be difficult for me especially if he wants us to be friends. but it seems that he doesnt agree. maybe he is busy with his new flame now (hope he doesnt get burnt - yes, im bitter for now). but it hurts me too if i wish ill for him and his new life (with someone). so i dunno what to do.

but at the end of this all, when you get home, you will see a void in your own space especially if your partner had spent valuable time with you in your home. but that's life after a break-up. 

and YES. i must face it. i know i have been to this kind of situation before and it's really comforting to know that ive hurdled it though painful and difficult it were. but its more painful to go on with mending a broken heart especially if you know in your heart that you've found the person that you've realized was the one that you wanna spend the rest of my life with. and it's more hurting if right in your face, he would say, that he doesnt see himself growing old with me anymore, and that he loves his new flame now and he wanted me to respect his decision to be happy now. so i dunno what went wrong where? i even told him that you might just be infatuated or vengeful or i dunno...

after all these realizations, the next line should be to grieve - deny, get hurt, anger, acceptance. and they are all part of the cliche spelled as M-O-V-I-N-G   -  O-N.

i wanna list down all the things that i wanna do from this point forward.

1. go to the gym regularly. (take advantage of the large amount of money devoted to this, shit!) meaning, get fit, lose flabs and toxins etc). i'll watch what i eat now. im actually enjoying my (pescan) vegetarian lifestyle so far.

2. smile everyday whenever you see sunrise or sunset. they are beautiful creations of my God. it's there to keep us hoping that there's always a bright tomorrow ahead of us.

3. be frugal. i've lived a very extravagant life and im suffering from it. keep a guard on your finances.

4. improve your crafts.

5. pursue hobby. i'll always bring my slr from now on... or whenever it's possible. (c'mon, i just wanna be realistic here.)

6. be true to the goal of buying the flat where i am right now.

7. keep an open communication line with your FEW trusted friends and of course your family. they will always be on your side whenever, whatever. trust me.

8. be open to the idea that you are bound to meet new people. (but please dont wear your heart and your woody on your sleeves... or your face er... your hands... whatever)(just your heart, maybe. hahaha) just enjoy their company)

9. as my colleague said, enjoy single life. yes i will! i'll try.... okay... I WILL. 

10. go to church regularly. it helps me. really. pray always.

11. clean house regularly (i'll do it after posting this blog.)

12. arrange clothes in my closet. 

13. draw out a financial plan.

14. be pro-active with my career.

15. post journals regularly.

16. read books!!!! please!!!! ive got lots of it but i dont devote time to read any of those. 

17. affirm myself always whenever i do something good or extraordinary. or something that i thought i couldnt do.

18. try to avoid sweets now. please puuhlleeezzzz!!!!!

19. date? no.

19. (the previous 19 is not counted): try to go home to my province this summer. it's always good to reconnect with your roots.

20. be patient with sporting a long hair. 

i guess that's it for now... i'll update this list as needed.  to end this post, i wanna commit myself to move on, learn from the past and do well next time. it's time to walk on.